So apparently it’s Depression Awareness Week? Yay. That means I get lots of irritating shit on my Facebook about being strong for too long.
I had a little conversation with my boss this morning. Or rather, I was treated to a pep talk. She was so breezy it was almost painful.
Wow, Narky, you’re doing so well these days! You look so healthy and happy. It’s amazing how calm you are about your exam. When I think back on how you used to be, well, it doesn’t bear thinking about, does it? Wasn’t it awful? Man, you were a mess. That drug you’re on must be a miracle cure. It’s a shame about the weight gain, but small price, eh? You went through such a terrible time, didn’t you? Remember when you were on Lithium and ended up off work for six weeks? Remember how you couldn’t do your job properly when you came back? Remember that drug that made you bounce around like a lunatic and none of us could bear to be around you? This is so much better, isn’t it? How does it feel? Do you just feel so great now that you’re cured?
Of course, I can’t enlighten her. THERE IS NO CURE FOR BIPOLAR. She can’t see past her desperation for my mental illness to be in the past tense. She’s not a horrible person and she is genuinely pleased for me, but I don’t think she’d be too chuffed if I told her that actually, I’m just a bloody good actor. Yes, I am a lot more stable now, but mental illness is not in the past tense for me.
I have been strong for a very long time. I am too tired. That’s because I get on trains and tubes every day and trek across London to get to work. It’s because I work full time and do an MA in my evenings and weekends. You know what that makes me? Tired. It doesn’t make me depressed. You know what makes me depressed? My messed up brain.
So stop shoving your ludicrous memes in my face. Do not tell me that I need to stop struggling, just take a break and everything will be fine. It will not be fine. When I was forced into taking a break, because I was too mental to get into work, it didn’t make everything go away. Actually, it made everything worse. Because I had to readjust to being back at work when I was supposedly ‘better’. Because I had to deal with the sympathetic/scared/suspicious glances from my colleagues every day for months. Because it took me well over a year to get anybody to trust me again.
And now that I’m apparently cured, I have to hide any possible emotion. I get stamped on hard the moment I express irritation over a cock-up at work, if I laugh too much, if I don’t laugh enough, if I talk too much, if I don’t talk enough. Just this morning my boss told me I seemed much more jerky last term. That meant 1) she still watches my every move, and 2) I had to quickly find an excuse that would both provide a reason and reassure her at the same time. I know that because she thinks I’m perfectly calm about my exam next week, I have to remain that way. I have to quickly leave my office if my eyes fill with tears, I have to keep my voice level at all times, my breathing regular at all times. Yesterday, as I was barely controlling a panic attack, she was busily telling me how wonderful everything is. I can’t show it. Ever. I will have to pretend. Forever.
I’m fine. Everything’s fine. Everything will always be fine.
That’s a lie. Everything is not fine. It’s not fine for anyone who has to deal with mental illness. It’s not fine when you have to drag yourself to work every morning when your entire being is screaming at you to stay in bed for the rest of your life. It’s not fine when you have to rely on the government for money to live. It’s not fine when you have to take pills to prevent your symptoms spiraling out of control. It’s not fine when you want to stop taking those pills but have to deal with the risk that your life might fall apart if you do. It’s not fine when people are either scared you’ll flip out or suspicious because maybe you’re making the whole thing up. It’s not fine when people tell you that you just have to be positive.
So if I see this:
Depression is not a sign of weakness, it is a sign that you have been trying to be strong for too long…
or any variation of the same on my Facebook this week, maybe, just maybe, I’ll stop saying that everything is fine. Because posting that shit is not fine.
Fabulous post- oh the masks we wear to hide all the crazy in our heads!
Thanks. It’s tricky working out when you can take the mask off and when it would be disastrous to take it off.
It’s so frustrating to see that quote taken out of context. It’s actually from a book about stress-related depression – you know, written for people (like me) whose episodes are triggered by stress and exhaustion, and who do find time out helpful. (I reckon I still have a messed up brain, though, because most people don’t experience severe and debilitating depression every time life gets stressful!)
It’s so hard when people just don’t ‘get’ it, and it sucks that your boss is in that category. *hugs*
I know it’s been taken out of context. but when it is posted like that by well-meaning people who have absolutely no clue, it makes me see red. I know that depression can be reactive, I’ve seen it in people I love. But that quote does nobody any good.
My boss is great in so many ways, but when it comes to mental health she makes me want to smack my head against a wall.
This is a great post. Eloquent and cringeworthy. I’m due to walk back in to work on Monday after having about 6 months off sick with a pretty foul bipolar episode. I’m terrified. Can’t decide what to tell people. Truth? Fibs? Whoppers? I’ll have to explain about a hundred times to people who ought to ‘get it’. Some will, but everyone else will be pleased that I’m cured.
Ouch, it’s tricky. Somewhere in between? A watered-down version of what’s happened? It can be hard to maintain a full blown lie, but the whole truth can be risky. Does anyone at your workplace know? Will you have a phased return? It can be one hell of a culture shock when you first go back. Do you have a plan in place for getting through at least the first few weeks?
Hi. It will be tricky. There should be a phased return to work, but I haven’t heard yet what it will consist of. A very few people completely understand, and all I’ll expect from them is a nod and “all right?” which is perfect. Others know I have bipolar but not a clue what that means, except I’m back and, as you say, cured. The rest know next to nothing, and are likely to believeisn MS relapse is behind it all. I don’t particularly want to be an educational resource, and I definitely dont want to have to keep explaining. What will be the focus is that I’ve been off for sooooo loooong and the fairness of allowing me to return.
Sorry. Whining over.
Whine away. You do not have to be an educational resource – you simply have to focus on getting back to work and looking after yourself at the same time. That’s enough, don’t you think?
It is fair for you to be allowed to return. Absolutely fair. More fair than a lot of the shit happening right now. More fair than any ignorant people who say that it’s not fair.
*nods*
*Also nods*
Pingback: The Trouble with Seroquel/Celebrity Mental Health Awareness Week « Seaneen / The Secret Life of a Manic Depressive
Sometimes I wish I were more mental than I am. I don’t mean more ill, just more visibly mental. Putting on a front for others can be exhausting, so you truly have my sympathy.
I have never understood that quote really. I just get ill, they think from stress. Stress about bloody nothing. I don’t understand how I am stronger? or weaker for that matter. It’s just something that is.
Hmm. I’m not sure about being more visibly mental. In some ways I’m grateful for my mask. I don’t have particularly dramatic symptoms, especially as I am relatively stable these days. In my boss’s eyes I’m the most mental person who ever existed, but she maybe needs to get out more.
The mask is exhausting. I sometimes wonder if the mask is more exhausting than the illness? But at the same time it protects me. My job was a waking nightmare when I couldn’t wear the mask. At least now I can get through my days without being stared at, even if I am watched like a hawk.
I don’t know if having nasty symptoms that make us feel like crap makes us stronger or weaker. I think you’re inspiring another blogpost…
I had a rant on FB the other day about the memes. People aren’t proud of genital warts, herpes is not a sign that someone’s got a strong muff, nobody gets an award for catching chlamydia. So why is madness different? So much bullshit, no wonder Joe Public hasn’t got a clue about mental health.
Thank you for writing this. I’m going to keep it and link to it again and again and again until people Get It.
I like your FB rant.
Blimey though, don’t keep linking! You’ll embarrass me. It’s just a rant I splurged, been in my head ages and popped out today.
They’re the best ones because they come right from the heart or the soul or wherever the Truth comes from. Don’t underestimate this post.
Yep, hate those memes too as I mentioned on Ali’s post the other day. Thanks for writing this, it’s a great post :-)
Thanks. I had to write a rant eventually, it’s been bubbling for ages. ;-)
Pingback: This Week In Mentalists – Intellect And Romance Over Brute Force And Cynicism Edition « This Week in Mentalists