Tags
Crying, Depression, Exhaustion, Freedom, Jesus, Shame, Singing, Weakness
I have crashed quite spectacularly. I can’t describe it and I don’t think I want to. It was inevitable, but I was too busy preparing for the essay and exam that I didn’t prepare for the crash.
Three good people held me together yesterday: Hubby, my dad and Wendy. But they all said I should be looking after myself better, perhaps taking even a short amount of time off work. I can’t, I honestly can’t. I can’t be that person anymore. The one who breaks under stress.
I’m going against all my instincts, and apparently other people’s instincts too. Being a stubborn cow, to put it bluntly. I did nearly break today though. I work from home on Fridays, but I’ve had to give that up this week and next, for the simple reason that academics can’t walk for 15 minutes to collect bits of paper. I have to travel for three hours just to collect those bits of paper for them. I like this time of year at work and mostly am happy to go the extra mile. But doing that when I’m more exhausted than I’ve been in a year, well, I nearly cried when my boss told me this today.
She left early today. And yesterday. Having a child is the perfect get-out-of-work-early card. I came so close to asking if I could go home too. Instead, I smiled at her as she happily walked out of the office.
Feeling crap is my own fault. See above for stubborn cow. Thing is, I recognise this pattern. A quick scroll through last year’s blogposts indicates a repeating pattern. Too much stress, being knackered and refusing to give myself a break – well, it can’t lead to anything good. Yesterday, I fell asleep on the train home from work, crawled into bed and slept all night, then fell asleep on the train this morning. And then on the tube. I have no idea how I made it to work. The same thing happened on the way home tonight. Hubby has tried to force me into bed early but I need to get some thoughts out or they’ll eat at my mind all night.
I recognise that I am repeating a pattern that doesn’t often ever end well. I know I’m far too tired. I know anxiety eventually pulls me into depression. I know I am being incredibly stubborn. I had actually forgotten how bad things got last year. Yes, there was anxiety, there were some bad heart flip-outs. But I had forgotten that I ended up in such a state that I couldn’t get out of bed, couldn’t talk to my boss and hubby had to call in sick for me. Thankfully, I recovered well but it happened.
It cannot happen again. Therefore, one would think that the sensible thing to do is to head it off at the pass now. But, again with the stubborn. I know I feel like shit, everything is distorted, every thought, every feeling. I also know that if I don’t say something now it will go unnoticed at work until it is too late. My boss noticed something was up yesterday but she was satisfied when I told her I’m tired but fine. I’m known in my family for being a fantastic liar.
See all that above? Insight combined with a stubborn refusal to do anything about it. At the same time, I also want to come off the Lamotrigine because I’m not convinced I have Bipolar. Maybe a slight tendency towards mild depression. Yes, I have been reminded of some not-exactly-normal thoughts from a year or so ago. I’d forgotten them. Those friends who insist on remembering stuff. Great, aren’t they? Grrrr.
Also? Really, the main issue here is that I am weak. But also strong. It’s hard to explain that one. One side of my brain tells me that there is absolutely nothing wrong with me, that I’m just a weak person who needs to slap herself a bit and get a grip. The other side says, look at all your notes, remember all that shit, remember the misery and humiliation of the last few years. That’s because something isn’t right.
The two combine into my stubborn refusal to give myself a break. If I am weak then I need to power on through and prove to myself and everyone else that I am not weak anymore. If I have this illness thingy, then I also have to power on through and prove that I am strong and able to cope with it, I need to not give myself any reason to feel more shame.
I read a blogpost yesterday, asking if crying indicates weakness. Absolutely not, is my answer. Hubby is very emotional and cries easily. I love him more for it. But I am humiliated if I cry. I hold those treacherous tears back as hard as I can, until they insist on running down my face without my authorisation. Is anything about me weak? Does Bipolar (if I have it) make me weak? Crying? Anxiety? A heart that beats too fast and hurts my chest? Is this weakness? Yes. Definitely. Am I therefore weak? Me, the real me? Am I weak?
Anyway… I know the answer. The answer is no. But my brain has trouble with that. I am weak. It’s been shouted at me. It’s not true, but really it is. Bloody hell, is it any wonder I’m knackered when I do this to myself?
So. After all this incredibly (I’m so tired I had to use spellcheck to remind me how to spell incredibellendy) circular waffling, I have to come back to singing, as always. Just keep singing. Just keep singing. Just keep singing, singing, singing. I feel squashed, chained, but I am actually free. Feelings have absolutely nothing to do with it, which is a good thing, given how unreliable mine are:
Where the spirit of the Lord is
There is freedom
Lift Your eyes to heaven
There is freedom
Freedom reigns in this place
Showers of mercy and grace
Falling on every face
There is freedom
If You’re tired and thirsty
There is freedom
Give Your all to Jesus
There is freedom
Freedom reigns in this place
Showers of mercy and grace
Falling on every face
There is freedom
If your burden’s heavy
He brings freedom
If you’re hurt and broken
He brings freedom
Freedom reigns in this place
Showers of mercy and grace
Falling on every face
There is freedom
Great is Your faithfulness
Great is Your faithfulness
Honey, please be careful with yourself. You are too important to damage.
Be kind to you. You work incredibly hard, holding down a full time job with a ridiculously long commute would be enough and yet you’re managing to study an MA on top of that. It would cause anyone to struggle, never mind someone with a mental health condition of any form. I know it’s tempting to be stubborn and insist you can cope but if you need to take some time do so. It’s not worth making yourself ill over. Nothing is.
I agree with the others above. You don’t have to live up to a standard of “strength”, it isn’t weakness when you become ill, you already do more than most people in your life. Don’t force yourself to carry on until you cannot carry on any longer – I try not to do that any more and I do know it’s hard, when your brain tries to tell you that you should fight to the last gasp and not acknowledge you need time out, help, a break whatever.
Take care of yourself.
Hi hon, thanks for the pingback :-)
I know that stubbornness all too well myself. But allow me to share an insight I happened across a while back. Imagine you are a strong branch, you resist the winds and the weather, the storms, and you refuse to be changed.. But the thing is, though everything that resists force that strongly has a breaking point. At some stage the branch will snap, possibly causing permanent damage.
Now imagine you are thick rubber. You are still strong, but you bend with force. you allow it to exert its pressure but you can bounce back into shape once the force has gone.
Which is truly stronger? Which would you rather be?
If you need a break hon, please take it! From what you’ve said here you know very well where this path will lead you if you keep pushing on like there’s nothing wrong, and honestly would you rather a break now, or a break-down later?
Please do take care of yourself! :-)
Lots of cuddles and love to you. Would it help to read through old posts to see what helped before? I know it can be hard to work out.
You are not weak. Think about what would you say if one of us had said that, you don’t need to beat yourself up.
And maybe you should take a break… My cats send fluff to make you feel better xx
Thanks everyone.
I know what I have to do – I need to take some time out but I can’t. All my leave is allocated, except for two days which I have left for emergencies, Taking time out now would mean either working from home more or taking sick days. Both of which would require explaining to my boss at least a diluted version of what is going on.
I was all set to ask my boss if I could have a different day from home next week to make up for the day I lose. But she made it clear that any emotion I show is unacceptable. If I show even a little bit of irritation over something (i.e. the academics mentioned in this post who can’t be arsed to collect bits of paper) she takes it as aggression. If I allowed a tear to fall she would take it as me going mental again. My only option is to smile and agree with everything she says.
Asking for some time to recover is not something I can bring myself to do. She’s only alright with mental illness when it is in the past tense. Even me admitting to being tired would be taken wrong. So I have to stay at work and I have to be ‘normal’.
Have you had the flu yet this year? You can have up to 3 days off (I believe) without having to get a drs note to confirm. I know it’s a bit naughty but could give you time to breathe without annoying boss too much? Or even your leave for emergencies, I’d count risking getting unwell again an emergency, this could be just what you’ve saved it for.
As for the leave – I have no more leave now until nearing the end of August. If I take those two days now I have nothing for three months.
I can have up to one working week off sick without needing a GP certificate. I have been advised by the disability adviser in the past to claim I have the flu. But I think my boss would be suspicious. And it’s my busiest time of year, if I left now even for a few days others would have to pick up my slack.
I know I’m being difficult. I just can’t find the courage to do what everyone is telling me to do. I should probably try to see the disability person again. But even that is humiliating, I haven’t had to see her for nearly 18 months. I should have learned how to deal with my boss without her help by now.
I will try to rest at the weekends. I have to work on my dissertation but having a lie-in is I think allowed. ;-)
I can’t get over how much you sound like me some days! :-) I know all of those feelings (although I drive to work so napping dfuring the commute isn’t an option.
I hate the conflict between NEEDING to go to bed NOW to get anything like enough sleep yet needing to take the time to get your brain to stop rushing around like a squirrel in a cage… if I’m really tired, I can sleep with the squirrel still crashing around, but only for a couple of hours, and then I’m awake worrying the rest of the night. so I know I need the chilling out time… but I also need the sleep! And it’s so effing embarrassing in this physical-fitness=moral-worthiness society to admit to needing more sleep…
And how much I miss singing… (my singing voice disappeared completely when I had laryngitis – psychosomatic laryngitis, to make it even more annoying – a couple of times about 2 years ago now. I can manage maybe 5 minutes now. Not enough to get through a church service, never mind singing properly again…)
Yes, I’ve always thought we’re quite similar. ;-)
Aww, I’m sorry you can’t sing anymore. It must be awful when it’s something you love. :(